The Dim Knight Chronicles
Book 1: The Beginning of Chaos
🎮 HOW TO PLAY
Welcome to the Kingdom of Confusington, where nothing makes sense — and that's exactly how it should be!
Every choice you make is judged by the Nonsense Meter above:
Make 3 sensible choices in a row and the Smart Horse will step in and sort things out. He's done with everyone.
✨ HOW THIS STORY BEGAN
On a camping trip with no lights and no internet, Jacob (age 9) asked his dad for a bedtime story. In the darkness of a tent, father and son invented Gerald's farts, the confusing witches, and a Kingdom of Chaos.
Every character, every fart joke, and every "WHICH witch?!" came straight from a camping trip and a boy who wanted a bedtime story. This is Jacob's story. We just helped write it down.
Hello, Brave Adventurer!
Welcome to the start of the madness! You are about to enter the Kingdom of Confusington and meet a very special hero. His name is Dim Knight — he is brave, he is loyal, and he is very, very confused. He hasn't even become a proper knight yet. To be honest, it's amazing he got his armour on the right way this morning.
The Princess is missing! Which Witch won't stop talking in circles! A Giant Chicken keeps blocking the road! Dim Knight cannot fix this mess on his own. If we leave him to it, he'll get stuck and never earn his knight title.
That's where YOU come in. From now on, you are in charge. Dim Knight will make the mistakes — but you have to make the big choices to get him through the story!
How to Play:
There are two ways to enjoy this adventure:
💻 Playing on Screen (Digital Version):
Just click or tap your choices — no page numbers needed! The game keeps track of your Nonsense Meter and your items for you. If you make too many sensible decisions and get totally stuck, don't worry — the Smart Horse will roll his eyes and push you forward!
📖 Reading the Print Version:
Grab a pencil and eraser! Use the Adventure Backpack at the front to keep track of items like Super Strong Mints, Coleslaw, or Sebastian the Talking Sausage. When you make a choice or solve a puzzle in the pictures, you'll get a number — flip to that node. Do NOT read the nodes in order or you'll ruin the chaos!
The Golden Rules:
🌀 Be as Silly as Possible
Sensible answers won't work here. To score points and find the right path, you need to think in the most ridiculous way you can. Answering "FISH!" to a maths question might just save the day.
🔍 Look Out for Hidden Puzzles
Puzzles are hidden all over the place — in the angle of a party hat, the sounds a dragon makes, and the names of some very rude troll children.
🍲 Don't Worry About Dead Ends
There are lots of different paths and several endings. Some lead to a big win, and some lead straight into a giant bowl of sticky caramel. If you hit a dead end, just go back to your last choice and try something different!
Dim Knight has polished his armour, grabbed his wooden sword, and has absolutely no idea what he's doing. Draw your sword, forget all common sense, and let's get this chaos started!
Turn the page to begin... if you dare!
Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Confusington, there lived four knight brothers who were famous throughout the land. Not for being brave. Not for being clever. But for being absolutely, completely, wonderfully... useless.
There was Dim Knight, who once tried to fight his own shadow and lost.
There was Dozy Knight, who fell asleep on his horse so often that the horse learned to tuck him into bed.
There was Dumb Knight, who thought a "fire-breathing dragon" was a dragon with really bad breath, so he brought it mints.
And there was Dopey Knight, who wore his helmet backwards for three years and kept wondering why everything looked so dark.
One Tuesday morning (or was it Wednesday? Dozy Knight had slept through most of the week), the King burst into the knights' quarters.
Dim Knight leaped to his feet. "Don't worry, Your Majesty! We shall rescue her! Who took her?"
Dumb Knight scratched his head. "Which witch?"
"That's what I'm asking. Which witch took her?"
"THAT witch!"
"Which one?"
"No, THAT one!"
"WHICH one?!"
"BOTH of them! And Sand Witch too!"
Dopey Knight perked up. "Ooh, I love sandwiches! Can I have one with cheese?"
The King put his face in his hands and groaned.
The four brothers set off and came to a dark forest where they met an old woman stirring a cauldron.
Dim Knight cleared his throat. "Madam, what is your name?"
Finally — FINALLY — the confusion cleared enough to ask the important question: where is the Tall Tower of Tremendous Tallness?
Which Witch pointed left. That Witch pointed right. Sand Witch pointed at her sandwich ingredients.
"How do we get there?"
"Go north!" said Which Witch.
"Go south!" said That Witch.
"Have some coleslaw!" said Sand Witch.
The knights now had three options. Only one of them would lead to the tower without getting hopelessly lost...
🌿 OH DEAR. You went North.
The northern path led directly into the Thicket of Confusing Signposts, where every sign pointed in opposite directions and someone had replaced all the paths with more signs.
Dim Knight walked in circles for three hours. Dozy Knight slept through it all and somehow ended up back at the start. Dopey Knight walked backwards (on purpose, to try something different) and also ended up back at the start.
The Smart Horse just stood there, watching. Judging.
🐴 "Told you," said the Smart Horse.
Try a different path!
😠 OOPS. You went South.
The southern path led to a very Grumpy Badger who was having a terrible day.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" demanded the badger. Nobody had an answer. The badger stared at them for forty-five minutes. Then he went home.
"Did we... win?" asked Dumb Knight.
"No," said Princess Chandamel, who had followed them and was deeply tired.
The tower is NOT south. Try a different path!
Dopey Knight distracted Dumb Knight by asking "But WHICH coleslaw?" — which triggered a full philosophical debate. While they argued, Dim Knight grabbed the coleslaw from Sand Witch.
"OI!" yelled Sand Witch. "That's my good coleslaw! It's got mayo AND vinegar!"
The Smart Horse rolled its eyes, grabbed the map in its teeth, and started walking. The knights followed, because following a horse with a map is statistically better than following any of the witches.
But then the Smart Horse stopped and showed them the map. It was... confusing. Very confusing. Extremely confusing.
The map has three symbols on it: 🧙 WITCH shapes, 👁 EYE shapes, and 🌊 WAVE shapes. The horse counts them: there are 3 witch shapes, 2 eye shapes, and 1 wave shape.
Add them all up! That total is the road number to the tower. Which road do you take?
The Smart Horse led them down Road 6 directly to the Tall Tower of Tremendous Tallness. It was, indeed, tremendously tall. Possibly the tallest thing any of them had ever seen.
The Princess appeared at the window. She looked... annoyed.
"Well," explained Dumb Knight, "we got confused about which witch was which—"
"Or that witch—"
"And someone ate all the sandwiches—"
"THEY WERE DELICIOUS."
Princess Chandamel sighed. "The door's unlocked. It's been unlocked the whole time. I've just been waiting for someone to open it."
There was a very long silence.
Dim Knight walked over, turned the handle, and the door swung open.
"Next time I get kidnapped," whispered the Princess to the King, "maybe just send the horse."
It had been exactly one week since the rescue. A tiny dragon — no bigger than a cat — came zooming into the castle, bounced off the chandelier, and landed SPLAT on Dozy Knight's face.
The dragon sneezed. A small puff of smoke came out, which smelled slightly of birthday cake.
Dim Knight read the note on the dragon's tail aloud:
Signed, The Royal Baker"
The knights arrived at Dragon Mountain. At the bottom was a large cave. At the entrance sat Which Witch, That Witch, and Sand Witch.
"OH NO," groaned Dim Knight. "Not you lot again!"
Inside the cave: a MASSIVE cavern, decorated with streamers and balloons. A banner read:
Gerald the Dragon was bright purple, had tiny wings that couldn't possibly lift him, and wore a sparkly party hat. Next to him, covered in flour, was the Royal Baker.
"MORE CAKE!" Gerald demanded. His voice was surprisingly squeaky for such a big creature. "It's my BIRTHDAY!"
Gerald's tummy rumbled ominously. He burped. Small flames came out, setting a banner on fire.
Gerald looked at him. "I'm not handing him. He's over there. I'm over here. There's no handing involved."
Eventually the truth emerged: Gerald wasn't holding the Baker prisoner at all. He just wanted someone to eat birthday cake WITH him, because it's rude to eat alone.
🐉
What do you do now that you know the truth?
😬 Eaten By Mistake!
You drew your sword and charged at Gerald the birthday dragon.
Gerald, startled, sneezed so hard that he accidentally inhaled all four knights at once.
"Oh no," said Gerald. "I've done it again." He coughed politely, and the knights shot out of his nose covered in birthday cake crumbs.
🎂 The cake crumbs, at least, were delicious.
Rule #1 of meeting dragons at birthday parties: don't charge at them with swords!
🤔 You Looked at the Ceiling
You spent seventeen minutes looking at the ceiling of the cave, searching for Gerald. Gerald was sitting right next to you the whole time.
"There's nothing on the ceiling," you announced triumphantly.
"Well done," said Gerald. "I'm extremely proud of you for establishing that."
The Baker continued crying. Gerald continued eating cake. Dozy Knight fell asleep standing up.
Gerald is... right there. Right next to you. Try something useful!
Dumb Knight stepped forward. "Mr. Gerald, sir, I have a question."
Gerald's eyes filled with tears. "You... you brought me MINTS? For my BIRTHDAY?"
"Well, technically they're for your breath, but—"
"THAT'S THE NICEST GIFT ANYONE'S EVER GIVEN ME!"
The dragon burst into happy tears. Big, wet, dragon tears that formed puddles on the floor. Dozy Knight — asleep on the ground — started floating in a small pond of dragon tears.
And that's how the knights accidentally ended up at a dragon's birthday party instead of doing a rescue.
A mysterious green fog rolled into the Kingdom of Confusington, covering everything in a thick, smelly cloud.
In the fog, the knights could barely see each other.
Dopey Knight grabbed something in the fog. The fog clears slightly when you grab the RIGHT things in the RIGHT order. Grab sequence: lamppost → sheep → Dim Knight's face
What does Dopey Knight grab first?
They stumbled through the fog until they walked straight into something very large and very purple.
It was Gerald. Gerald was the fog.
As if to demonstrate:
A fresh wave of green fog rolled out.
The Royal Doctor confirmed: classic case of Cakeus Tootimus. The cure? Magical Broccoli. From the Garden of Really Boring Vegetables. Guarded by...
THE GIANT CHICKEN.
The Royal Doctor needs to calculate the exact amount of Magical Broccoli to give Gerald to counteract the Cakeus Tootimus!
How many heads of broccoli does Gerald need to eat to get rid of ALL the fart clouds?
At the Garden of Really Boring Vegetables, the Giant Chicken stood guard. It was the size of a house, with feathers the colour of sunshine.
🐔
How do you get past the Giant Chicken?
💥 DO NOT HOLD IN DRAGON FARTS
Gerald held in his fart. He held it. And held it. His purple scales turned green. Then blue. Then a colour nobody had ever seen before.
Then Gerald inflated like a giant purple balloon, floated gently off the ground, and drifted silently over the Garden, over three forests, and directly into the Royal Cake Reserves — where he exploded in a cloud of green gas and birthday cake frosting.
The knights found him twenty minutes later, sitting in a giant tub of frosting, looking embarrassed.
Dragons cannot hold farts. This is just science. Try a different approach!
🎩 Diplomatic Failure
Dim Knight began: "Honoured Grand Poultry of the Vegetable Realm, we humbly request passage through your most distinguished gate, and wish to formally register our—"
The Giant Chicken stared at him for twelve minutes.
BAWK BAWK BAWK. (Translation: "I am a chicken. I do not do diplomacy.")
Then the chicken sat on Dim Knight.
Perhaps a more direct approach is needed. A more... gaseous approach.
Gerald took a deep breath. He pointed his bottom at the garden gate.
The green fog rolled toward the Giant Chicken, who took one sniff and—
The Giant Chicken fled over the horizon, still bawking in terror.
The knights collected the magical broccoli. Gerald ate seventeen pieces, made a face like he'd licked a lemon, and then did the biggest, loudest, most ENORMOUS burp the kingdom had ever heard.
The green fog disappeared completely. The kingdom was saved!
"Now I just have the burps instead," said Gerald.
BURRRP.
"...Is that better or worse?" asked Dumb Knight.
"Let's call it different," sighed the Princess.
The King had announced his Un-Birthday — a birthday on a day that isn't your birthday, because he was jealous of Gerald's party.
His demands:
Mission: gather ingredients. You need Eggs, Flour, and Frosting.
The Giant Chicken demands corn before laying eggs. It wants the corn arranged in a 3×3 grid where every row and every column adds up to exactly 6.
Fill in the pink cells! Each row and column must add up to 6. Numbers used: 1, 2, and 3.
What goes in the missing cells (top-left, middle, bottom-right)?
🍯 CARAMEL TSUNAMI WARNING!
You got greedy in the Sugar Swamp and collected just a little too much liquid caramel.
Then Gerald sneezed. A small flame hit a candy cane tree. The candy cane tree started melting. The entire Sugar Swamp became a TIDAL WAVE OF STICKY CARAMEL that chased you all the way back to the castle.
The wave crashed over the castle walls, covering EVERYTHING in sticky amber goodness.
He licked his arm.
"...Actually, this is delicious. Carry on!"
The Royal Baker assembled all the ingredients and built the cake. It was ENORMOUS. It was SPECTACULAR. It was... starting to wobble.
The castle-sized cake tipped over and fell directly onto the castle, COVERING IT COMPLETELY.
Princess Chandamel looked at him. "Technically, it's your CAKE now. You're living in it. Just like you wanted."
"I DIDN'T MEAN LITERALLY!"
But here's the thing: living inside a cake wasn't actually that bad. The walls tasted like vanilla. The doors tasted like chocolate. The windows were made of sugar glass.
The Kingdom of Properland sent a challenge. Their Perfect Knights were coming to prove Confusington wrong. Three events: jousting, sword fighting, and a Common Sense Quiz.
The Perfect Knights arrived on perfect white horses. Sir Pompous the Magnificent had a chin so square you could use it to measure furniture.
Sir Pompous faced Dim Knight. Sir Pompous held his lance perfectly straight, aimed at Dim Knight's chest.
Dim Knight held his lance... what way should he hold it?
Sir Actually-Good-At-Things faced Dozy Knight. Who was asleep. Standing up.
What's Dozy Knight's strategy?
Question 1 of 3:
The tournament was tied. The King declared a tie-breaker: whoever farts the loudest wins.
Sir Pompous was horrified. "We are PERFECT knights! We don't—"
Everyone turned to look at Sir Normal, who had gone very red. "Sorry. I had beans for lunch."
It's Dim Knight's turn. He's been saving this since breakfast.
The fart was so powerful it created a small mushroom cloud. Birds flew away. Trees bent. The Perfect Knights of Properland fell over like dominoes.
The Perfect Knights left in disgrace. Sir Pompous turned back at the gate.
Sir Normal had farted again. "I CAN'T HELP IT! BEANS!"
A strange old wizard arrived — Dodderick the Decent, Wizard of Mostly-Working Spells. His wand sparked ominously. His robe was covered in mysterious stains.
To prove it, he pointed his wand at a nearby chair and cast FLOATY-WOATY-UP-YOU-GO! The chair didn't float. The table next to it turned into a duck.
🦆 "QUACK."
The knights each wanted a spell. Pick who Dodderick should cast on — but remember: the spell always hits the adjacent object instead!
The King demanded the ultimate spell: a feast that never ends. Dodderick tried his biggest spell ever:
FOODY-GOODY-NEVER-EMPTY-TUMMY-FULLY-ETERNALLY-YUMMY!
The spell exploded in a shower of sparkles. Then... the roast chicken on the table opened its eyes.
"What's going on?" asked the chicken.
The potatoes started rolling around. The carrots sprouted tiny legs and ran off the table. The bread loaves formed a marching band and paraded through the throne room.
The Brussels sprouts tried to start a revolution. Nobody listened to them.
"No," said everyone.
"Fair enough," sighed the Brussels Sprout Leader.
After three days, all the Alive Food was caught — mostly by accident:
The only Alive Food that remained was a single talking sausage named Sebastian.
"Like what?" asked Dim Knight.
"I don't know yet! But I'm SURE there's something!"
Princess Chandamel declared Sebastian the Royal Sausage Advisor.
A family of trolls arrived. They were supposed to be scary. They were not. They were extremely polite.
Father Grumblesnort (8 feet tall, floral waistcoat) introduced his twelve children:
Lasher · Dasher · Casher · Washer · Flasher · Kevin
"We ran out of rhymes," admitted Grumblesnort.
The trolls were very helpful. Unfortunately, they were also very troll-ish.
When the troll children played tag, the whole castle shook.
"NO FAIR, I WASN'T READY!" yelled Crasher, throwing Thrasher through a different wall.
"WALL!" yelled Kevin, who wasn't very creative but was enthusiastic.
Three towers collapsed in the first week.
What should you do about the polite trolls?
On the way to the River of Ridiculously Fast Water, the troll children want to cross a bridge — but the Toll Troll (not this family — a different, less polite one) demands a toll.
The troll children's names follow a rhyming pattern: Smasher, Basher, Crasher, Thrasher, Masher, Hasher, Lasher, Dasher, Casher, Washer, Flasher...
The 12th name should rhyme. But it's Kevin. Count the letters in the name that SHOULD have been there (should be 6 letters ending in -asher), vs "Kevin" (5 letters). The toll is that difference!
The River of Ridiculously Fast Water was perfect. The water moved so quickly that fish shot out of it like tiny wet bullets.
The trolls moved in immediately. Gerald had followed because he was bored, and all twelve troll children discovered that Gerald was the best at farting.
Gerald perked up. "I think I've found my people."
A unicorn showed up. This was unusual because unicorns were supposed to be rare, magical, and beautiful. They were supposed to prance through meadows. This unicorn was doing none of those things.
Her name was Glitterbane, and she hated everything. She hated flowers ("Too colorful"). She hated butterflies ("Too flappy"). She especially hated rainbows.
Glitterbane settled into the Royal Stables. The only creature she tolerated was Gerald.
What should Dim Knight say to Glitterbane?
The problem with Glitterbane was her magic. Whenever she got angry (which was constantly), something strange happened.
And then... at dinner in the Great Hall... Glitterbane felt a rumble in her magical tummy.
Instead of a normal fart, what came out was... a RAINBOW.
Gerald was FASCINATED. "Your farts make RAINBOWS?! Mine just clear rooms!"
"I would TRADE you in a HEARTBEAT!"
Dodderick was called in. Gerald and Glitterbane stood bottom-to-bottom.
🐉 🍑🍑 🦄
The spell hit both of them. Gerald farted.
Nothing different. Just a regular Gerald fart. Extra smelly.
Glitterbane farted.
A BIGGER rainbow shot out. With EXTRA glitter. And it started playing cheerful music.
"YAAAAAY!" cheered everyone else.
"I HATE ALL OF YOU!"
The Royal Library needed a new librarian. Only one person applied: WHISPER McQUIET.
She was the loudest person anyone had ever met.
Every window in the room vibrated.
"I'M NOT SHOUTING! THIS IS MY NORMAL VOICE!"
"But your name is WHISPER."
"MY PARENTS WERE OPTIMISTIC!"
The library was chaos. When Whisper "announced" sections, bookshelves fell over. When she "suggested" books, windows cracked.
A thief has slipped in and is trying to steal a rare book. Whisper is narrating at full volume.
Whisper's sonic waves are bouncing everywhere. What do you do?
You stood perfectly still. Whisper McQuiet continued her announcement at full volume. The sound waves bounced off the walls, hit the thief from three angles, and knocked him clean off his feet. He dropped the rare book and lay dazed on the floor.
"He's unconscious," pointed out Dim Knight.
"SATISFIED AND UNCONSCIOUS! EVEN BETTER!"
The library thrived under Whisper's management. It was the only library in the world where the librarian was louder than the patrons. Three miles away, someone could hear the book recommendations.
Glitterbane visited occasionally. They got along surprisingly well — both loved complaining loudly.
The one-year anniversary of the first rescue. The King announced the biggest event in Confusington's history:
Three events: Loudest Noise, Biggest Mess, and Most Confusing Situation.
Every single character from every single chapter entered. Even the Brussels sprouts tried to enter. They were told no. Again.
The judges were a panel of deaf grandmothers holding cards to rate the vibration level.
Finally, Whisper McQuiet stepped up and said what she considered a "gentle greeting":
Each contestant had five minutes to make the messiest mess possible. Dodderick tried "beautiful butterflies" — accidentally created "exploding paint buckets." Score: 8/10.
But the winner was obvious. Gerald ate five cakes, got gassy, and started burp-flying around the arena — while Glitterbane kept rainbow-farting in protest.
"We didn't know we could give 12! THE MESS HAS ACHIEVED SENTIENCE!"
Contestants had to create a situation so confusing that the judges couldn't figure out what was happening.
Dumb Knight stepped up:
The judges' brains melted slightly. Score: 8/10.
But then... all the competitors decided to combine their chaos at the same time.
What should you do for the grand finale?
The result was:
A rainbow-farting unicorn riding a burping dragon who was being chased by twelve stomping trolls while a wizard accidentally turned the ground into jelly and a ghost made everyone's hats scream and a sausage discussed the meaning of life and a sleeping knight appeared everywhere at once and a knight with a backwards helmet crashed into everything and someone kept asking "But WHICH witch?!" and the LOUDEST LIBRARIAN IN THE WORLD narrated it ALL at MAXIMUM VOLUME!
The Grand Championship of Absolute Chaos ended with the entire arena covered in rainbow glitter, dragon burp residue, exploding paint, jelly (formerly ground), screaming hats, philosophical sausage quotes, at least one sleeping knight, seventeen confused grandmothers, and the faint smell of old cakes.
Dim Knight stood atop the ruins of the judges' table.
Since then, we have caused MORE chaos, made MORE messes, and confused MORE people than any kingdom in HISTORY!
TO ANOTHER YEAR OF ABSOLUTE CHAOS!"
"Moo," said a random cow who had wandered in.
Written by Jacob & Dad
With a little help from Claude AI
"Every character, every fart joke, and every 'WHICH witch?!' came straight from a camping trip and a boy who wanted a bedtime story. This is Jacob's story. We just helped write it down."